2005-09-02 - 3:14 p.m.
Before I start this entry I want to say that I, like many fellow diarylanders, have been deeply shocked and sad for the people in any way affected by Hurican Katrina. Firstly the devestation of nature and then the behaviour it has lead to in the people caught up in the horror of it all. I wonít pretend to know what Iím talking about but for anyone who feels at a loose end or wants to help but doesnít know how firstly read this - The Survival of New Orleans Blog or if you want to donate go here Donate to the red cross I canít help but be dubious about things like this :- ( a huge amount of people donated money to the tsunami appeal and apparently a huge percentage of that was lost to all the admin and other red tape. Or maybe I just believe the propaganda too much. I am praying for the situation and to any of you who are in any way affected by this my heart is 100% with you ok? And if you need me for anything get your little self onto my comments and tell me what you need me to do!
Yes ok thenÖ Itís kind of hard to write a normal entry after something like that eh? *Sigh* I often feel guilt when something like this happens firstly I feel relief and then guilt. I have never had to live through something like this and I feel bad.. I know thatís silly but Iím so lucky and I sometimes wish I could snap off some luck and pass it on to othersÖ other far more worthy people who life has been cruel to. Yes Iím a weirdo you can leave if you like.. but Iíll miss you.
Itís been a good day today! Iím in a lot of pain however.. I donít know why but last night after work I started having incredibly evil cramps like period ones but worse and no period (I told smed about this earlier.. much to his obvious delight haha) it feels better while Iím sitting down but when I walked across to the metro centre for lunch it felt like I was being stabbed. GRRRR!! Iíve taken some pain killers but they appear to be wearing off. Iím hoping itís just some weird tummy bug that will pass shortly just thereís something in my brain that keeps saying ďwhat if itís connected to your hospital visit earlier this year?Ē obviously I tell this voice loudly and firmly to ďFUCK OFF!Ē but stillÖ.. what if it is?? I think if it hasnít improved by tomorrow I shall ring NHS direct and see what they say would help.
For all of you who have no idea what Iím talking aboutÖ trust me.. its better that way ;-)
Barryís little girl rang today and got through to my scary busy switchboard.. aaw she sounded so teeny I wanted to wrap her up and hug her to pieces!! Aaaw ďcan I speak to barry prease vis is loooocyĒ in such a teeny teeny voice aaaaw!! Cute cute cute. A few minutes after that Sahidas family came in because her husband needed to sign something and they were passing by. OH MY GOODNESS you should have seen her little boys face when she came down to meet them in reception. He just lit up as if it was the most fantastic thing that had ever happened to him and ran to her shouting ďmummy mummy mummyĒ AAAAAAW and he gave her such a big happy hug I think heís about 8! Again cute cute cute!!
In other newsÖ I got an email this morning from a girl who was once part of the group surrounding Sarah Ė the infamous Sarah of the Emmanuel scandal. Apparently she read my old diary for a while (no-map) and saw me last night in the metro centre and she so much liked my sexy glasses (see smed.. THATís how much I rock the specs) that she emailed to ask where they were from! It was such a nice email. Iíd always just assumed that the whole group concerned with that hated me.
Ok quick backstory Ė removed at gareths request.. email me if you want to know ]
Anyway weíve sent a few emails back and forth and she has been so sweet to me and nice and itís just so nice to finally put a personality to someone who was part of such a huge intimidating shadow over my life for so long. Best thing about it was when I got the email I didnít feel scared or sad or worried. For a while any mention of sarah or anything connected to her made my stomach want to jump out of my mouthÖ not because I wish her bad I donít I truly truly wish her nothing but success and happiness.. itís just that it reminded me of that time and who I became and how much I truly wanted to die. Today though.. I just felt happy and warm that I seemed to have picked up a new friend!!
I wrestled with God a LOT in that timeÖ looking back itís probably the closest Iíve ever been because I was so lost and confused I NEEDED to cling to him Ė and of course he gladly opened his arms to me. I lashed out at God and I doubted his existence I have never spent so much time in prayer in my life but yet every word he spoke to me I hid from.
The basic truth of it was I went to God and I said
"oh God he is evil I donít want to love him heís horrible and I hate him and Iím so sad and I need you to fix this and waaaah sob sob sob he says he wants to be with me and he loves me but itís not the right time and Im so confused I hate him I hate these lies and Iím scared because heís going to hurt himself so much I know itís all going to ruin him but I hate him but I donít want him hurt oh god god god sob sob wail cry sniff etc"
and God said to me
"I love youÖ and I donít want you to be hurt and I keep asking you not to do things because I love you but you do them anyway. You do things and you hurt me and you say Ďbut god I love you I just have to do this maybe later god Iíll try god I love youí but I love you anyway.. and I wait. Iíll wait forever for you Mandy because if love is REAL.. it has no conditions. So donít be sad because if your love for him has conditions.. he isnít the one and it will all be fine"
and I was angry and I yelled at God and decided I had just MADE myself believe that God would say that because I wanted Gareth back so badly and I was confused but always the same message until finally I gave in I lay it all down and I surrendered to that fact that I LOVE GARETH WILLIAMS!! I love him with every single fibre of my being and that even if he never loved me back Ė I would accept that because I love him and when I realised that.. loving him was enough and so much of the pain left. I mean HELL YES it was still hard to be there when he was with another woman but God tolerates far worse from me and for my love to be pure like Gods loveÖ I took on the burden.
And now lookÖ Weíre married and Gareth has gorwn and changed Ė as have I Ė so much since then!
For any of you who arenít Christians I apologise for how boring and ridiculous this must all sound the whole thing is preposterous I know but ask anyone who was there.. who lived through that time with me.. theyíll tell you the truth. That is how it was and how it was meant to be and we are so much stronger and more in love because of it!
Wow this is so long and so boringÖ oh well this is after all my diary and so you have to tolerate the occasional ranty rambly rubbish from me. Iím not trying to push anything on you so please donít anyone attack me (Ive seen that happen a LOT on other diaries) if youíre here Itís because you chose to be. I love you and I respect your opinions but in the same way I am entitled to mine!
and if youíre still readingÖ OH MY GOODNESS
I love you more than the desert loves the rain!! Haha and more than willy wonka loves chocolate!! I even love you more than I love chocolate!!
And thatís a lot
Lots and lots and lots
I know Iím boring and I know I say stupid things but please.. please just know that you being here makes me happy and that I never EVER want to hurt or offend any of you. Iím lad for all those of you here that love me
Please donít ever stop
x x x
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