2005-09-19 - 9:42 a.m.

So then this is it.. for the next three years my best friend will be a resident of London! Friday night was wonderful we all enjoy being together too much for even such a huge amount of impending sadness to spoil it. I gave her the prezzies and a nice long long rambly letter explaining each present and how much I loved her. I cried as much writing it as she did reading it but even that is amusing to us!

I guess it didn�t feel real at the time. She got in the taxi to go home at the end of the evening and none of us cried we just kind of let it pass like it was a normal thing and we�d see her tomorrow or something. Lisa and Kevin stayed for a while after Ali left and played with the kittens but nobody spoke much because we were all tired. I didn�t cry even after they left. I sat and held Bentley (my bedbuddy) and felt a horrible deep ache. It was so weird � when Andrew left for London I knew what t o do I just cried and moped and cried some more� I listened to songs that reminded me of him and I wrote letters like a crazy person. I just with Ali.. I couldn�t cry. I wanted to but it was just awful. I felt sick so I just lay and stared at the wall for a whole hour� it felt like 5 minutes and I didn�t even really think of anything I just lay there and got lost in nothingness. I thought maybe when Gareth got in he�d ask about it and that would be my breaking point but he didn�t ask because by then I was in some kind of weird semi-conscious sleeping state so I don�t remember what he said really.

Saturday I went shopping with Gareth and to be honest pretty much forgot about it � or maybe didn�t forget it just was denial! To me she hadn�t gone yet because I wouldn�t have seen her on a Saturday anyway. Saturday night I did something really unlike me. I suppose you don�t really know how shy I am because online I can talk freely but anyone who knows me will tell you how much I cannot bare to talk to strangers or even sometimes be alone in public. I�ve gotten better over the years but it�s still very much part of me and not at all something I�m proud of.

Last night though I went to a new church (a sat night church odd I know) and I went there with people I had never even spoken to ever in my life. The girl I did know (who had my job before me so I met her for a week) was coming later but I had to go with some of her friends. To normal people this may seem like nothing but this is sooo huge for me!! I did it! Not only did I go.. I spoke to them like they were already friends� I spoke to them the way I feel brave enough to speak to you. Because you lot don�t have any obligation to like me and could leave at any time� and even though I�m completely myself you stay so I figured maybe I�m NOT so bad.. maybe new people in life will like me too.. if I can just be brave and be me,

OH MY GOD!!! I had an amazing time.. the church I�m not sure will be right for me and Gareth but the people I LOVED!! At the end of the night one of the girls (Helen) turned to me and gave me a hug.. but not a fleeting quick perfunctory hug a real long squeeze and she said as she hugged me

�I REALLY like you�

I honestly.. I wanted to burst! Here were this group of wonderful happy sweet people and unlike every other time I�ve met new people.. they liked me. I was entirely myself and they wanted to be my friend!

I know how pathetic it sounds to be so happy about it but in my whole time at uni I only really made one real and lasting friend (Ellie � as if you had to ask) but she is something else.. she�s not like normal people she�s Ellie and I adore her! It made me happy! The first thing I did when I left them was text Ali and tell her� of course and it was only when she replied that I remembered she was in London. She sent a text back saying she was proud of me and then.. I shed a tear or two.. because I�ve never gone somewhere new without her or Gareth because I�ve never been brave enough and as proud as I was� I felt really really sad at that new level because doing things without her won�t ever feel right to me. She would love them though the girls I met.. they were so much like us� random humour and everything but all she�ll ever be to them is my words.

The sermon at the church made me cry a little too.. it was quite odd I don�t think I�ll be able to explain it in writing.. The pastor was talking about Ruth and Naomi and how Ruth used to follow the reapers and gather the teeny bits of corn they left and then one day the owner of the fields noticed her (bearing in mind he could have noticed any one of a whole load of girls doing the same thing) and he asked the workers.. �who is that girl� I can�t remember where he went with the point now but it lead to him saying:

�Imagine for a moment that god isn�t all seeing and all knowing and he walked into this room now and he turned to the angels and said - who is that girl there�

when he said that he pointed right at me.. which wasn�t easy since to do it he had to move from where he was to point past the boy in front� obviously I jumped because I�m weird like that then I blushed (haha) he then continued to say something else and he said

�God could have noticed any one of the people in the room who were probably prettier or leading more Christian lives.. but there was this girl�

and he look me in the eye while he said this next bit

�so lost in her low self esteem and maybe not as close to him as she should be but with a heart so warm and so full of love�

He then went on to talk about a load of other stuff but I just got lost in that part and I really felt like God was saying to me

�for all the horrible things you can pick out about yourself I can tell you a hundred things that I love. I made you this way and your huge capacity for loving is a gift� please don�t waste it you can always love MORE�

while everyone else danced and jumped and sang and became generally riled up by the worship I just closed my eyes and was still and I just KNEW that I was loved and that that is WHY I love other people so much.

Yes people will always find me weird and maybe think I must be being fake. But I know my love is real and I know that loving people will only ever be good for them.

This probably makes no sense to you and again as with all of my God centred ramblings this isn�t an attempt to hit you over the head with a large heavy bible and insist that you repent for your evil life. I just need to let it out somewhere and this is the place I do that! I know that it was probably complete coincidence that the pastor looked at me and it was probably more that he�d never seen me before and I was wearing bright colours than because he wanted to prophesise over my life but god can use coincidences and if it made me realise he loved me I don�t see anything wrong with that!

I know this entry is disjointed and it jumps about a lot but I had so much to let out before I let my mind wear it down and fade it.

Ali rang me today and she is already fitting in wonderfully!

I went to the toilet for my daily morning wiz and discovered that during the night my lovely red pant wrecking friend had returned in all its crimson glory to give me the past 3 months worth of periods all at once� I was delighted of COURSE!! As was Gareth haha!

So now I can start my new pill and I can relax and we can stop being petrified of having anything other than foreplay and cuddles. (yes we�re stupid we know it) Gareth is going away next week for freshers week and he doesn�t seem at all excited or pleased about going.. which you�d think would help but it makes me feel worse because when he�s down that�s when he seeks ego trips!! I feel a whole load better about him going now that the PMT is passed!! Whoooo!! But now I have to face being alone in our house, getting up 2 HOURS earlier to get to work, feeding and cleaning and loving the kittens ALONE. It�s so stupid really. I was never really mothered at home and so I can�t really remember not looking after myself, making my own meals, washing my own clothes, ironing, travelling alone etc.. so it�s not that I�m not capable of being a grown up.. I just prefer doing things with Gareth.. I like that we work as a team!

Anyway.. if this gets any longer or more disjointed I fear your lovely brains shall overload and die so I shall leave you now

Photo�s later and maybe something less challenging to read!

For now I am off to hug my kittens, enjoy my cramp and eat like a crazy bleeding woman!! Ahahaah!

LOVE YOU

x x x

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