2005-10-11 - 7:24 p.m.

Hello!! I'm crap at updating at the moment it's because work is mad hectic and I don't really like to update using the mac.. and even if I did it's for gareths work really so I shouldn't sit and hog it all night hehe!

I had an emotional induced by my pill breakdown yesterday!! dammit I hate it but if I don't want babies I don't have a huge amount of choice... I don't want to use condoms with my husband it feels impersonal and it means I have something with him I didn't do with others and it's special... it doesn't help that he HATES them. Calls them seagulls wellies haha!

Anyway.. yes.. I ended up sitting for the whole hour I have for lunch and crying at Gareth about how much he didn't find me attractive because I am a whale and a spotty weirdo and can't dress well and other such idiotic things. Gareth made the fatal mistake of saying that he loved me for who I am and what I look like doesn't matter which in the state I was in clearly meant he was saying..

" You're rank but I love you anyway"

Which of course he wasn't saying he thought I WANTED him to say that and he tried so hard my poor love. The next thing he suggested was that I come off the pill because it really does screw with me in bad ways but me in my near hysterical state decided this was just a polite way of saying...

"I want an excuse not to sleep with you"

and so I pretty much melted my face off with big fat tears and told him how much I understood that he was leagues above me and could have anyone he wanted and that he could do so much better. It all sounds so stupid now but it made perfect sense at the time

When I eventually calmed down thanks to all the love and patience in the world from my lovely husband I went off back to work... without dinner I might add DAMMIT!

I was sitting at my desk thinking about how much of an idiot I am and whether I should stop the pill or not when a GIGANTIC bunch of flowers walked through the door... well that's what it looked like.. I couldn't see the man carrying them

They were for me and had a card on that said in big capital... I LOVE YOU then below.. Gareth xxx and I completely died all over the office. They were beautiful and I know he picked out the bunch specifically because I looked on the website and it isn't a standard one.. he chose the colours and they're so nice!! moral of that story is.. irrational behaviour gets me flowers?? no no the moral is that I am married to a wonderful man and I think sometimes I forget how very lucky I am.

I brought the flowers home and there were so many we had to split them into three different vases and still had some spare... I completely wrecked the arrangement because I am a fool.. an unartistic fool.. but I still know what they looked like and I love them so much I want to cry every time I walk past one of the vases!

I'm really behind on diaries at the moment I keep managing to grab moments where I get a few entries in but please don't think I don't love you or don't truly appriciate being allowed to share in your worlds because I NEED you all and you mustn't ever stop writing! I will catch up soon because I love you

You know who I uberlove??

SMED because on the same day as I had felt the lowest of the low not only did my husband send me love but a wonderful man on the other side of the planet sent me a package full of the two best things in the universe love and music!

He also sent me the biggest -shirt I have ever seen and I have now moved my belongings into it and made it my home!! I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE everything he sent me and the CD's will soon be copied over to my mp3 player so I can take them out of the house with me too

There's stuff I know and love stuff I've heard a few times and new wonderfully new songs for me to discover!! don't you just love discovering new music.. and loving your way around it? I do!

But on that note my sweetest friends I must depart and go and prepare my house for the impending visit of the lisa kevin becca and craig posse.. I don't mind them seeing the house NOT spotless but Gareth would DIE!! haha lovely clean boy.

Todays question for you all though is... if you had a theme tune... what would it be?

or do you have theme tunes for specific times or moods?

share with me.. I'm very interested!!!

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove to you all

x x x

ADDED LATER - somebody who knows me in real life keeps googling this page and I'm afraid it might be wesley! whoever it is you are more than welcome to be here but it makes me sad that you're doing it on the sly... please click the link below and leave me a comment or if you don't want others to know you read here please email me on [email protected] my stats have been tracking you and you have no reason to hide. I don't mind if people read here I'm not secretive so if you want to be here let me know. If you don't leave me a note to say who you are.... just say hi.. then I may well lock up until I figure it out myself! I don't mind you being here but I do mind the hiding it scares me please leave a note please please please!

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