2005-10-21 - 9:53 p.m.

I have had a slow and quiet night and I am feeling much calmer for it. My self conciousness is reaching the kind of levels where I want to make excuses not to go places (ie work) which was easy at uni.. but I can't do it now so I just have to go to work and hope nobody tells me how much I'm so spotty I look like I have chicken pox and am becoming overweight enough that my clothes look terrible

I would buy new ones but I KNOW that then it's just too tempting to get even bigger because I love food and I love sleeping and what I do not love is excercise or starvation. Mores the pity :-( I'm not terribly unhappy I just have mild moments of panic now and again.. which is so much better for me.. though maybe it's just because the older I get the more responsibilities I have that I can't just hide from because I'm having an ugly day.

We have had a lovely few evening in ALONE which as been blissful in ways I cannot put words to. We played some upwords (which is always soo amusing at the time haha) the cats really REALLY loved the box lid.. I don't know why but all of them.. they just couldn't keep out of it it was cute and funny and made me burst with love. Gareth kicked my ass at upwords.. I blame the cats and their cuteness with the box.. I'm totally the upwords QUEEN man you better believe it!! YOU BETTER RECOGNISE BROTHER!

Work is a scary place to be right now some financial stuff is going on which I can't mention here and redundancies look imminent.. even if I'm not one of the ones to go.. I LOVE the people I work with and I'm pretty sure my heart will fall apart if I have to watch them go through that. I can just see me volunteering my entire salary to make the company ok.. then Gareth would kill me haha! It's just sad and everyone is so worried and stressy. I want to tell them it will be ok but none of us know if it will - rumours are rife and strange things are happening that I'm not sure about yet.. companies within out group are being bought.. but secretly and un-announced.. I don't really know everyone feels panicked into leaving but I love it there! I suppose I'm lucky that way.. Gareth salary supports us both and I can pick up temp work like it's going out of fashion.. oh blah blah I don't know

I have finally decided on my birthday celebrations..!!!!! We will be having the biggest most bad taste eighties sleepover in the UNIVERSE EVER!!! wooohoooo!! I have been looking up interesting facts we will all wear AWFUL clothes (there will be pictures oh yes there will) I am going to get some old classic eighties musical fun and we will sing along to the likes of grease 2 and annie (both from 1982 incidentally like all the best things) This is my first birthday as Mandy Williams... isn't that odd? I think so! In a good way but still odd.. Also... Ali will be home and I could almost bloody cry now with anticipation at how very very pleased I will be to see her

I realy worried that London would change her but I talk to her on the phone a lot and she's the same.. the exact same Ali and I don't get off the phone and think

"OH MAN I MISS HER I'M GOING TO DIE I'M SO SAD"

I completely thought I would but instead I usually sit at my desk and giggle and laugh and grin like an idiot because she loves me - wherever she is she loves me and when we talk it's like she's right there and MY GOD she makes me happy!! I LOVE YOU LALLY WAH!! It's really made me think a lot about andrew though.. and we wont get into it now because I'm feeling myself get more and more angry and bitter and I so much don't want to go to that part of me.. so yeah.. but I'm not liking him so much right now! NOT AT ALL!

I feel like I have run out of things to say but that's not true really I've just run out of words I have plenty to say and if you were here I'd probably go right ahead and incoherently babble it all out to you but having to write it down restricts it to sensible shapes and patterns and then I lose the meaning in what I was thinking. I'm thinking right now about Myles.. she has forced herself up onto my knee and I just looked down on her and wanted to cry - she is all curled up into a teeny ball and is purring like a tank and when I looked down she was just gazing up at me like I was THE most precious and beautiful and wonderful thing she had ever laid her eyes on like she was saying

"you are just so amazing and so perfect and you make me so happy I love you"

I love how animals and children have no restraint.. when they love you they really really fully all out ADORE and worship you with every fibre of their being. They learn distrust and hate as they get older sometimes but wow.. love like that.. it blows me away. I hope that Gareth can see that in me as easily as I can in her.. I hope that my love for him is that tranparent and obvious.. because that's how it feels!!

Anyway.. I have to mop the floor, wash the dishes, clean out the litter trays sort out some paperwork and then straighten up the house.. or else Gareth will threaten to go ack to the garefenage... and as much as I bloody hate housework.. the stupid amount of happiness on that boys face when he comes home to a clean house... is worth every mind numbing hand aching second!!

I love him

I love you too

*hugs*

x x x

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