2005-10-24 - 3:49 p.m.

I�m a big pile of unmotivated today. I�ve spend the majority of my time this morning typing about four words and then drifting off into daydreams whilst staring at either some random part of the desk or out of the window. It�s only when the phone rings that I got snapped back into reality and then proceeded to do the same thing again ad infinitum.. blah blah blah. My brain has become mush. A sludgy mound of uselessness and idle thoughts. I can�t even focus enough to type this I thought maybe if it was something other than meaningless codes I�d be better able to concentrate but alas� swamp brain returns. Intelligent thoughts are eaten up by the evil laziness until eventually they give up their attempts to break through and let me get on with my mindless wonderings.

Tara has until Friday to react to the new treatment so unless some miracle occurs between now and then she will be leaving us on Friday to go and play with jesus in the clouds. Do animals got to heaven? I know I�m a Christian but I�m hardly the most knowledgeable theologian around.. I have no idea I always presumed yes because I don�t think they can sin as such since they work mainly on instinct and anyway it�s humans who fell from grace.. oh I don�t know.. any thoughts.

Ali will be home on Thursday I was going to meet her from the gig she�s at and we were going to dance � just the two of us like we used to.. last minute crazy all night sweating dancing and laughing until we couldn�t breathe. Instead now I will be sitting at home beside my Tara � Gareth�s biggest love after me and crying. A whole night full of tears and of her not knowing what she is going to the next morning. I doubt she�ll even care that we�re there she�s so far from the cat she used to be. Is it evil that I�d rather be out with Ali? Forgetting that I�m making this choice and ending her life for her? I don�t even want to think about it and I know that�s silly. It�s my birthday on Saturday and she won�t be there. No soft warm body to rub around my legs while I try in vain to go to the toilet. No purring when the toilet is flushed because she knows that means I�m probably going to stroke her on the way past. And yet the reality is she hasn�t really done any of those things for so long she might as well already be gone.

I don�t know how Gareth is going to react to this. I know it�s selfish but I was so much looking forward to my first birthday as his wife, as Mrs Williams and instead we�ll probably just stay in and mourn our lost friend. I know people who don�t have pets don�t understand the sadness of losing them and to them I apologise for sounding so very pathetic but pets are family.. except they�re family who rely entirely on you so it�s REALLY hard not to blame yourself at least slightly when they�re in pain or unhappy. I have to stop now because I�m crying and if someone asks me what�s wrong I�ll never stop bawling.

I know on Saturday at my sleepover people are going to ask where tara is and every time I have to tell someone I�ll cry. I don�t want my birthday to be connected to losing Tara.. I know that�s what�s going to happen though � especially in Gareths head � every year when it comes around to my birthday he�ll be sad because he�ll remember what happened then� I can�t believe I�m bothered about that but he�s my husband I want him to be happy on my birthday I don�t want the day I was born to be something that makes him feel sad.

I don�t want to have to know that I chose to end her life � as much as I don�t want to find her dead myself and I can�t imagine what it would do to Gareth if he found her but just there�s always then the horrible thought that what if you�d waited just that bit longer.. maybe she would have recovered somehow� I hate this. Animals shouldn�t have to die.. I was going to tell you a story about my dog Lucky but I can�t I�m nearly bursting with tears just thinking about writing it so maybe another time.. he got put down though�. And the very memory of his face when we went to say goodbye.. ok I have to stop.. SHIT! What a baby I am. I can�t talk about this anymore.. clients are due in and they�ll think I�m stupid.

Ok ok ok stop stop stop!!

I know it�s silly to be so sad about it it�s just Ali hasn�t been home for aaaages and I so much don�t want this to hang over her visit because I�ve been so bubbling over with glee and laughter and smiles thinking about her visiting. I almost want to just pretend the tara thing isn�t happening until she�s gone but I can�t.. it�s not fair to Ali or to Gareth and most of all to Tara.

In future I shall only have pets that can outlive me. A huge big one of those tortoises could out live a whole 4 generations of Moo�s that�s so the way to go!! It makes me think about my other pets.. BB is 13 that�s pretty old for a dog.. and she�s not looking like going yet but she is my best most favourite thing God ever made and� look I�m bloody talking myself into being upset again.

I remember what Gareth was like when we lost tara (on the roof tops of my street) for 4 days.. he cried like I�ve never seen him do before and I know that was different because maybe he was so hurt because he didn�t get to say goodbye but I don�t know what I�m going to do to make this ok for him. Sh�e shis baby.

Crying again

GOD GOOD WOMAN GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!

Oh huraaah just answered the phone and totally got snot and tears all over it! Classy!

Only an hour and a half to go so I should really go and do more work.. I�ll have to take it home at this rate.. in good news�

We�re getting my dad and leigh�s old sofa � by old I mean it�s three years old.. younger than mine and Gareths relationship.. so we are over the moon. They are having a new one and have kindly said we can have it for free!! Woohooo! It�s so much bigger and plusher than ours.. it�s not one we would have chosen ourselves but it�s soooo much nicer than the one we have (which had already been a cast off to 4 different sets of people) and it�s amazingly comfortable! It will fill the room better and it will be nicer for people who visit and best of all� at least for while until the kittens infuse it with their own special whiff.. it will smell � like all things from that house � like home. My dad�s house and all of his stuff has such a wonderful smell I�ve never known what it is maybe it�s the love an the kids and the fabric softener.. but it makes me feel safe and loved and it�s just what I need right now.

Gareth is away on Tuesday night because an old band of his are having a reunion rehearsal ready for a big gig in January and they�re planning to rehearse so late that he has to stay.. sounds a bit to me like they just want to socialise.. which is fine because I know he�s not seen them in forever.. just a bit miffed that it leaves me to give tara all 50000 tablets and clean up after her while she wee�s all over the house AND watch the kittens and keep it ridiculously tidy for Gareth AND go to work!! I�m lazy I know a lot of people do far more� but a lot of people don�t have a husband who only works 9 hours a week and gets paid almost double what they do. HAHA that�s unfair he does occasionally record and write duringt he day. It�s just that normally he expects me to believe that he has been on his feet tidying all day and then wonders why if that�s true.. I can�t do it all in the hours after I get in from work!

I�m such a moaning mini today.

I don�t like him going to leeds without me it makes me nervous.. just leeds he can go anywhere else but leeds has a history in my eyes� most of it connected to this band� and I get jittery.

He loves me he loves me he loves me I have no reason to worry I just so much can�t understand WHY he loves me at times that I look for excuses for him not to. Almost like I just have to accept he�s going to leave now so it won�t hurt when he eventually comes to his senses and does

I�m such a weirdo

Anyway�. Seriously should go and get some work done.. you�re getting lucky with all these updates eh? Three over the weekend and now a Monday one too�. Oooh will the wonders never cease?

I might update again tonight with something cheery and photo based

I can�t promise though

Thanks for listening

Lovelovelove

x x x

ADDED LATER: my comments aren't working AND... this is my 100th entry as the moo HURAAAH!

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