2005-11-02 - 3:28 p.m.

Had a huge fight with Gareth this morning and I�m now writing this so that I don�t call him to apologise. I would normally but that�s the problem � I always back down because the thought that I�ve upset him or that he might be hurting really eats at me until I�m willing to apologise for anything. I have already sent a text saying I was sorry for speaking harshly.. but that�s all I did wrong and even then I was provoked A LOT first! I�m not trying to say I�m wonderful I�m not I�m sure I am a shite wife but the point is he knows me he knows who I am and if he wanted someone else then he should damn well NOT have married me :- ( I HATE fighting with him it pulls my heart into millions of tiny broken pieces. He just NEVER tells me anything nice or good about me. The argument this morning was because he actually had to work today.. no no scratch that he CHOSE to work today � he took on extra work which meant he had to leave at the same time as me this morning.. as opposed to not at all. I tried to get him out of bed for ages but he wanted to cuddle and kept saying it wasn�t time yet so I had a cuddle� I presumed if he wasn�t in a hurry then it was ok. I have to be at work at 8:30 so at 8:15 I called a taxi while Gareth cleaned out the litter trays� this then resulted in an onslaught of abused about the fact that I never ever do anything!! I couldn�t stay and fight because the taxi was leaving and with all the redundancies on the horizon at my place I don�t much fancy giving them reason to choose me! I rang him when I�d done my mornings jobs and tried to talk it out with him and he � very harshly � told me I was lazy and I did nothing!! OK Nothing other than work 37.5 hours a week AND then half of the cleaning half of the cooking half of the errands. Gareth himself poor overworked soul does 3 (or sometimes 4) 45 minute slots of playing his guitar plus pulling the gear in and out and he gets paid a fair amount more than me for the privilege! Sometimes because Gareth is in the house all day all week.. he does some housework! I�m sure you can see his point!! I mean� you know clearly I should do all of the work THEN go to work then get in THEN do some more. (I must point out here that I do not ask nor expect him to tidy or clean.. I have never asked him to or even hinted I don�t really rate having a spotless house high on my priorities.. tidy perhaps.. immaculate.. NO!) He says he�s not asking me to do everything but I�m struggling to work out if not why he was so very abusive to me this morning. He has a temper on him like nothing you�ve ever seen and ANYTHING can make him angry at the moment� other drivers, the laptop, the mac, loans companies.. but you know.. mostly.. me and the fact that I don�t orgasm over cleaning!! Do you know since we got married we�ve hardly had sex at all? He wonders why this makes me feel ugly and horrible. He tries to say it�s because our relationship is deeper than sex it�s better more meaningful. I feel like he kind of had to make a trade when he married me that he would just have to face a life without attractive women in order to have one who could love him the way I do. He says it�s ludicrous to think he doesn�t fancy me but how on earth am I expected to think otherwise? When we do have sex it�s quick and it�s impersonal � no foreplay � rarely kissing and always ALWAYS when he wants it because it�s ok to reject me and say I�m just a pervert for wanting it but he knows I�ll never say no! No damaged pride for him!! I keep wanting to delete this � maybe I will once it�s out of my system.. he just.. I love him so much I don�t there�s a person on this earth doubts that least of all Gareth himself. I love all parts of him and he�s more than worth this.. but how DARE he complain that I have no self confidence if all he ever does is tell me what I�m useless at. Everyone Gareth has lived with has ended up having huge fights with him about cleaning.. and I mean EVERYONE.. nobody can keep a house to his standards and it�s getting to the stage that when we have guests they laugh at me because I clean after them� while they�re still there� it�s more than my life�s worth to dare NOT!! If I wait until they�ve gone because I feel it�s impolite and unwelcoming to clean under their feet as if I think they�re unclean� then it�s obviously because I�m a lazy bitch and I have no idea how much work it takes to run a house!! AAAAAH I�m so frustrated!! I wouldn�t mind if he had a cleaning problem that meant he cleaned all of the time but he expects my life to revolve around it too and it won�t!! I will never rate a clean house as more important than my marriage or my friendships� actually it�s pretty much at the bottom of my list. Now I don�t want this to sound like I�m some slob who�s against cleaning because I do a LOT of cleaning in that house.. he doesn�t seem to notice any of it and when he�s away places like CLUBBING WITH HIS MATES IN LEEDS.. I keep the house as clean as he does � with my help when it�s him AND work full time!! I never spend any money and any time I do I get subjected to all kinds of crazy guilt.. he on the other hand spends thousands.. and I mean literally thousands on studio gear impulse buys etc etc.. and yes he does earn more than me.. but I work fucking hard and I don�t spend even nearly as much as most people. I think I just needed to get that out of my system. He just rang just now and acted like nothing had happened.. he has this weird habit of just closing off an argument by saying we�ll agree to disagree� WHY?? What he actually means is.. I think you�re wrong and I will bring this same argument up over and over again until I break you and you become my slave you horrible nasty ignorant cow!! I want to resolve it instead of just pretending it hasn�t happened so he can bring it up again and again and continue to berate me for being such an awful wife because I earn less than him AND don�t do as much housework!! I will never be as talented as him or as thin or as attractive or as intelligent or as driven or as organised or as tall or as rich or as polite or as sexy or as well educated or as well spoken you know what I�m probably not even as feminine or as good an actor � because he really is perfect and I truly am SHIT!! I love him I truly truly do more than anything on earth I just can�t believe he feels the same at times. I feel like he settled for marrying me because he gave up on doing better. It�s fair enough for him to SAY that�s stupid but HOW ABOUT SHOWING IT????!! And please please please.. don�t even THINK about leaving me a comment to say I should tell him these things.. I have told him.. and I�ve written it down so he can read it and I�ve repeated that process over and over again each time he refuses to listen OR sometimes he will show a chink of understanding and apologise for being mean and bad tempered and obsessive.. but then it�s only a few weeks until we�re back to square one again!!! We talk about it a LOT and I�ve tried telling him firmly, sadly, quietly, loudly, calmly, angrily, early in the morning, late at night, before food, after food, lovingly and in actions rather than words. I accept him as he is I just can�t accept myself if I�m as awful as he thinks. He can have problems with me and disagree that�s fine fighting is important� but there is no need to be so harsh with me. I don�t need to be sworn at and shouted at and called names!! I want him to want me I feel vile and fat and ugly because he has absolutely no desire to touch me in a sexual way� we cuddle a lot and we hold hands but there�s no sexual aspect to it.. and I�ve wanted to write that for so long but I don�t like admitting it because I know peoples reactions will be� oh no he doesn�t fancy her he must be with someone else or it�s over or blah blah blah We�ve talked about the sex thing too before you go there� and every time he says that there isn�t a problem.. but there is for me!! I don�t want to be his mate I love being his best friend but I want to be his lover too!! Am I really so vile that he just can�t face touching me?? HE says not but then in that case what is it?? I asked if it was something wrong with him.. he said no � I don�t get it! I�m seriously considering insisting he comes with me to some kind of a therapist� we�ve only been married for 7 months THIS IS NOT NORMAL � and the fact that he thinks it is make me die inside because I can�t face the rest of my life without him ever wanting me that way. I adore him and I know that I have a high sex drive but I haven�t dared initiate sex for months because I don�t think I can handle being turned down again.. you know I�m actually starting to think that I wouldn�t even enjoy sex if we did have it because I feel so totally un sexy now! He doesn�t even really kiss me now and when he does it feels so random that I don�t think I even know how to kiss back that way :- ( I�m pathetic someone just shoot me in the head and tell me to shut up! I�m not trying to blame him for all of this maybe I should just change my body shape change my dress sense shower every morning and spend hours on my makeup but I think it goes deeper than that and I can�t fix it if he refuses to acknowledge there�s a problem. I�m not angry now like I was when I started writing this I love him It�s just he really is everything to me and I�m terrified of it all falling apart.. my parents are divorced so I�m not one of the bury your head and think it will never happen to you types.. divorce happens.. it�s a fact I just can�t live with the thought he might wake up one day and realise he�s been making do with someone second rate for years and leave me.. but at the same time short of really just being his best friend and MAID� what the hell can I do??

There is no point to writing this.. I just wanted it out of my system

And now there it is

Out in the open

So yeah.. now you can all think how awful our relationship is and how horrible we both are to each other and so forth.. but this is my diary and I�m upset and I needed to vent it

I love you

Please don�t lose any respect for me!!

x x x

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