2006-01-19 - 10:42 p.m.

I WROTE THIS LAST WEEK BUT JUST NOW MANAGED TO GET IT OFF MY WORK COMPUTER!!

Yesterday I actually thought maybe my Line Manager was right and that things had picked up enough for me to be in from 9 � 5 but today seems a different story entirely! I didn�t come in until after 10 today and it�s only 2 now. I deliberately took my time with everything and dawdled about with the tasks thinking that the steady trickle would keep me going until 6 when I finish � but no I am done now. I still have my lunch hour to take so I might go sit upstairs and read for a while see if anybody leaves me some work while I�m away. Today is the day of pedanticness.. of changing your mind over a tiny detail (the capitalization of ONE single letter in one single word in 134 individual documents) and then making ME trawl through 134 files to change it on a whim and THEN�. decide:

�actually sorry to be a pain but you�re right it did look better the other way could you possibly change it back? That would be great thanks�

I know they think I�m just some low life scum scraped from the bottom of the metaphorical temping pond. I know they think I am younger and less intelligent than them when in reality they only look older because they all smoke and drink themselves ill on a daily basis because� they�re just �crazy� like that. They consider themselves mental, exciting mould breakers, thrill seekers totally alternative.. .when really they�re all EXACTLY alike� all 500+ of them and I don�t find their lifestyle any kind of fun or interesting! All they do is come to work by day get drunk at night and go on holidays to trashy 18-30s type places and get smashed. I�m not against any of those things but I am very much against people thinking that because they�re entire life IS those things that they are in some way better than me. My life is about laughter, love, new experiences and searching I LOVE it I would never ever swap it for one of their not even for a second � unless it was so I could understand them better!! I wish I could understand them better!! As individuals I could probably find something about each and every one of them to love � as I have to those I�m in contact with most but sometimes the oppressive group mentality (which incidentally is one in which clearly I am a complete WEIRDO) makes me wonder if I like them at all. That, in turn makes me sad because liking people is what I do.. I love making people smile, learning about them and making new friends but I�m so bad at it people just don�t like me unless they are online or have known me for a long long time. I don�t know what I do wrong. Maybe I�m just different!! Maybe WE are different! Us wonderful bloggers. Perhaps it�s just that I�m too shy to be as outwardly friendly in real life but shyness is NOT the same as rudeness and I HATE that people don�t seem to get that. I will always smile at you, say hello, reply if you speak to me, say thank you, excuse me, please, I will write you friendly little notes when I return your typing and I will move the earth to make you smile if you look sad and happen to be talking to me. What I CAN�T do is approach people who have given me no clue that they want to speak to me and force myself into their personal space/life to make them like me. I CAN�T I think that is FAR ruder than being a little quiet until you get to know people.

I�m in a whiney mood today and it�s for a pathetic reason too. You see usually everything in the world no matter how boring, annoying or downright nasty can be given a lovely happy slant in my head because it�s never more than a few hours until I can leave the situation and go back to Gareth. Gareth is enough reason for anything to seem not-so-bad to me. But he�s away this week and knowing that when the day ends I�m just going home alone� makes me dwell on things that would not bother me otherwise. He�s only been away since Monday � I know how pathetic that is but we function as a team � maybe too much so � everything seems kind of listless and pointless without him. He IS my structure. Never mind he�ll be home tomorrow which is WONDERFUL! I feel so pathetic I mean I CAN do all of the things I do without him. I�ve been keeping the house spotless, I�ve been working, I�ve even had people around I mean I am after all a grown woman.. it�s just there�s no joy in it when he�s not there and there�s nobody to share the jokes with. I suppose it�d be different if I still lived with the girls.. maybe it�s not so much that he�s not there as that none of my chosen family are home then. Is it strange that I consider them family? I can go for weeks without visiting my parents (not because I don�t love them because I DO I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE them) but I go for a few days without seeing Becca, Lisa or without speaking to Ali and I feel like I�m going to DIE!! Haha it�s even getting to be that way with Kevin and Craig � I feel like I NEED to at least speak to them every few days or I�m not complete and settled and centered!! I�m so lucky to have them all! (note: I know Adele is as important as them too but I had to get used to not being in such regular contact with her because she stayed in Sunderland when we moved here so we�ve never had the living together thing)

I�m babbling about nothing because THIS is how bored I am. You can�t win lovelies either I don�t update for months or I spam you with rubbish!!

It�s really strange the place I�m temping at the moment, it�s literally 5 minutes from 87 Sandringham Road in South Gosforth and while I�m sure that address means nothing to any of you it was the place I most considered home for a whole 2 happy years. Admittedly looking back now the place was a TIP. One of those houses that even when it�s been tidied for HOURS still looks like a bomb just hit. All the same we loved it, the house the area the local stray �spackercat� so many of my strongest memories are based there. A lot of them aren�t nice they were a difficult two years but living with the girls was what made me survive and so I�ll always think of it fondly. Being in the area it�s really hard not to just switch onto auto pilot and head back to that familiar blue door. * sigh * happy times happy times.

I haven�t got any nice pictures for you today though by the time I get around to actually posting this maybe there will be.

I haven�t been able to keep up with diaries as much recently so I hope none of you are desperately miserable and I�ve missed it. I�m vibing you all HUGE amounts of love and I�m STILL trying to do Christmas cards� I can�t just sign them and send them I like to make sure I wrote something unique in each one so that it�s personal and so you know I mean it. I also decorate them with odd scribbles!! I know it�s taking stupid amounts of time but I�d rather send them late and have them feel FULL of love than send you an empty card with my autograph on!! Haha

Anyway�. I�m off to have some �lunch� at 3pm and then I may well write another entry (though by the time you are reading these it will be several days after they�re typed)

lovelovelove

x x x

Added later - as in today since the rest was written a week ago - I just want to say to any of you who know Enola and even those of you who don't - she is easily the nicest (and most beautiful stunning gorgeous) human being that God ever made and my life would be nothing were she not in it. Right now she's hurting in a way none of us can fix but in a way many of us will understand. I'm not going to link her because I don't want to be intrusive but those of you with the initiative to find her may.. and everyone else PLEASE this week she needs every prayer every good thought and all of the love you have. There isn't a person in the world deserves this less than her. I know exactly how she feels which is why this breaks my heart too... please just if you have a few minutes spare.... will all of the goodness in the world to nottingham to the lovely Noli even if it's just for a few minutes.. because she deserves to smile!!

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