2006-02-09 - 10:09 p.m.

So the interview today didn�t go so well�. Nothing I did nothing he did in particular just not sure it�s where I�m meant to be however� my lovely lovely temp woman somehow managed to convince him that while he was making his mind up about who he wanted and whether to interview other people he NEEDED to have me on as a temp because he wouldn�t get anyone better and if he decided he liked someone else better for the job I would just move on � which sounds really mean but I don�t really want to work there either so it makes me feel less panicky and trapped!! I have really stepped up the job hunt a LOT today though.. firing off my CV and various LOOKHOWGREATIAM letters to anyone who might even be thinking about hiring ANYONE for ANY position because a few of Gareth�s old debts jumped up and bit us in the arse today and I CAN�T let us get behind again even if it means having 3 jobs!!

He was so sad I wanted to cry� not because of the money � I�ve NEVER had money and I don�t know.. I really don�t think this will last and you know what?? So what if it does?? So what if I never have money you know I have SOOOO much else in my life that I�m thankful for and none of it is stuff I would swap even for all the money in the world. Money gets Gareth down though because he wants to be able to give us a beautiful life full of presents and holidays and luxury � what I can�t seem to make him see is that I�d probably prefer the life we have now. We work so hard for even the smallest luxuries that they feel a million times better than some people will ever know! My poor boy!! He�s just been gradually worn down by it all and today was the breaking point. It was like watching the hope just fall out of him he kept saying �we�re NEVER going to be ok are we?� meaning whatever happens money will defeat us somehow.

I love him so much it�s been such a draining day. I�ve always taken the position of optimist in our relationship� not because we decided that�s how it would be just because I can�t help it. Even if it�s me who�s sad.. the moment Gareth makes a negative comment I�m jumping up uncontrollably onto my happyhappyoptimismhorse and riding us off into some imaginary happy ending! Gareth is a Williams though.. a real blood Williams (I�ve not earned that yet I�m still waaaay too positive) that surname seems to give you amazing negativity crushallthehappythoughtstodeath powers � and while me powers are strong enough to protect me they�re not always strong enough to drag him out of his pit. By the end of days like this I always feel so tired from all of the attempts at infectious happiness. Even though I KNOW I KNOW IT IN MY BONES that we are not only going to be ok but that our future is DAZZLING.. it�s still hard to be smiley and such in the face of such a sad and downtrodden honeysmoochiehusbandypoos My poor poor sweet boy I love him so much!!!

So yes in summary I AM feeling great about everything.. honestly I am. I really thought if this happened again that I�d be useless and feel all sad and mopey but I can�t.. I even did try to let myself slip into it so I could join Gareth in his mopiness but the truth of it is that I can�t because my life is wonderful and there�s too much to be glad of and to look forward to. I am tired though and worried that somehow the Williams misery will get to me in the end!! Haha NEVER!! Moo�s are happy and they are hopeful YOU CAN TAKE MY SURNAME BUT YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY HOPE!! Hehe!

Are you enjoying the pictures of the park? They�re not very good � for a few reasons � one of which is the notverygoodness of my oh so beloved camera (yeah its crap but it�s all I�ve got lovelovelove) the other is that it was one of those nasty evil GREY wet soggy almost dusk kind of days where everything just looks dirty!! If you don�t know what one of those days are you should definitely come and visit me because the North East of England is in some weird kind of microclimate of perpetual greyness it�s so pleasant!! Hahahaa I do love it here though and I love our park and especially the dene!!

I haven�t got much else to tell you really I�m just singing along to some lovely tunes and sending my pitiful CV flying around the internet in hope of some lovely millionaire who will pay me to just follow Gareth around like a lovelorn puppy!! Haha speaking of love we�re going to the Equity Valentines Ball on Tuesday so that should be nice. Equity is the �performers� union over here and pretty much everyone in that kind of industry is in either the musicians union or equity (obviously actors temd to go for the latter but Gareth is in the MU) Janey and Chris invited us so I already know it�ll be a good night. I don�t really mention Janey much on here (she�s the lead singer of the Band Gareth�s working for) but I love her a lot and I think every time I spend any time with her it only makes me love her more!! She�s so talented and just� she�s just lovely I�m always happy to see them on nonwork time!

Gareth hasn�t decided what to wear yet.. when he�s around his fellow musos (there SHOULD BE some of MY people there too of course but he doesn�t care about them ;-p) he likes to dress to impress� so it�s looking like the leather kilt will be putting in an appearance. (he isn�t Scottish and I�ve told him if it�s not tartan then it�s just a SKIRT but somehow� I think he looks good� don�t tell him that� mockery will be had) I on the other hand will wear the only suitable clothing I have for such an occasion and won�t look any different to any other event where I have to wear a dress� see I say I don�t mind having no money but really� some new clothes would be nice sometime this year perhaps!! I don�t care I only have to impress Gareth anyway and since he�s seen far worse I�m sure he�ll think I�m lovely anyway!! He KNOWS I�m gorgeous hahahaha I hide my true beauty from everyone.. I wear a fat and ugly suit all day to fight off other men (and women) then at night I strip off to reveal my true supermodel looks!! ;-)

I know that sounds made up but come on� how the hell else did I marry Gareth??

When we were at the park (taking these pics) I always like to read the inscriptions on the benches.. most are fairly non evocative, a few are mildly sweet but then I found one that absolutely broke my heart. I had tears and everything. Right there in easily the most beautiful part of the park was this one bench with a small simple plaque and the message probably just sounds silly to you but that�s why it was so sad. There was just so much love and so many memories locked up in those few simple words made only more beautiful by the fact that only people who were part of this particular love would truly understand. I sat and I traced it with my fingers imagining what their story could be and the story had developed so far in the end that I know I absolutely HAVE to write it into a play or short film.. I HAVE to because it�s real to me and it matters and aaaaaaw so sad.

Don�t you think though?? Is it just me? Tell me what you think it means? Email me with your story about who put it here and how and then tell me about their favourite memory. [email protected] go on� make it a small interesting project.. I�m so very very fascinated in other peoples imaginations!!

You�re all fascinating and I love you

I hope you have jam sandwiches in your life too!!

lovelovelove

x x x

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