2006-02-22 - 11:14 p.m.
I'm so so sorry that this isn't the happy love fest it once was :-( I am trying really I am!! Sometimes my endless optimism is pushed to shine through without making me just look foolish.
I really want to just bury my head in the sand of my optimism but today (in public) it really just hit me how much trouble we are in. I cried.. IN PUBLIC because try as we may the figures do NOT match up. It's so unfair - other people who have debt either have never worked or spend huge amounts and have tihngs to show for it.. I have ALWAYS been poor I've never had even the most simple things other people have and at this rate I never WILL have them. I feel like I'm paying constant catch up for goods/memories I don't even have. I slaved my ARSE off for a degree that means even less than nothing to me. We've sold everything we could live without except my wedding dress and I do WANT to sell that but I can't afford to have it dry cleaned and without getting rid of the grass stains (damn shortness damn photos on pretty grass) nobody will even look at it!!! I don't know what to do anymore...????!?!
aaaaaaw just as I typed that dave came over and sat in front of me... beaming the biggest smile (yes he DOES smile) and purred his lovely ginger head off and you know why... because I looked at him and that simple act was enough to make up for any bad thing in the whole universe. One simple moment of my attention is enough to make him the happiest dave in all of the world. How lucky then am I to have SUCH AN ABUNDANCE of peoples love. I don't deserve it but there it is. People I know, people I don't in the small acts and in the bigs ones I have more love than any individual person should be ALLOWED.
Just thinking about all of the love in my life I wish I could purr too!!
I wouldn't swap even a milligram of love for money.. no matter how poor I get I'd rather be me than the richest man alive if it means I get to keep the love!!!!!!
I'm sorry for whining I am so grateful for all that I have for all of the small pleasures that in their tininess add up to the huge richness of my life.
Sometimes I get so bogged down in the practical CRAP of life that I lose site of what amazing blessings I have. Gareth for one... ever the pessimist usually - as soon as the tears started we switched roles and as I crumbled he came into his own. Tables, plans, hope, comfort pouring forth from the man who keeps me awake at night because I worry our life isn't enough for him. I spend so much time TRYING to make him happy that I forget how good he is at doing the same thing for me.
I feel like I've applied for every job in the world (obviously I haven't) and nobody wants me because either I'm too qualified or need more relevant experience. I've not had time to check out any of your diaries hardly and what if you need notes and I'm not leaving them?? I almost dragged myself out of bed last night and sat up awake making sure you all felt loved enough - who needs sleep anyway. It was only because Gareth had me pinned down with his leg and I wasn't awake enough to shift it that I didn't.
*sigh*
I'm sorry for being useless this will pass I KNOW it! and I am hopefull and grateful and I have faith and all such things..
but even the optimistic get tired sometimes... maybe if I'd been a little less optimistic earlier I'd have more left over.
you think?
I have so much I want to tell you about too...
Like Amy and Tiffer - they came to visit and they were wonderful I MEAN REALLY WONDERFUL - by the time they left I was gutted that they had to leave everything just clicked and gelled and was perfect with them and Gareth and I loved them more than it is natural to love another couple. I don't think God ever made anyone as AMAZING as them. As a couple and as individuals they just bring everything good about people and they make it about a zillion times better!! I LOVE THEM so much I want to make clones!!
Enola - I went with lisa to visit Noli and nothing on earth could have prepared me for how STUNNING that girl is in person. I mean I've seen enough pictures to know she was beautiful but MY GOODNESS!!!! I've never met a more perfect host than she was to us two semi-geordie travellers and I could go on forever she knows what I think ;-)
Two diaryland meetings in one week - pretty impressive and I COULD NOT HAVE LOVED EITHER OF THEM MORE!!
HONESTLY COULDNT
OR I'D DIE
I know how lucky I am to have you all - the ones I've met and the ones I maybe never will. You're all so incredibly supportive and somehow not even put off by my stupid antics and ridiculous photos and lack of updates and then the CACK I write when I do finally update. Please even when I'm not around and I miss important events in your life or I'm not there to leave you love when you need it please please please don't think it's because you're not important to me because you are so so so so so integrall to my survival!!
I ADORE YOU ALL
(even the lurkers ;-p)
anyway.. I should get myself to bed now because I could have sent about a thousand CV's out in the time it's taken me to write this entry and tomorrow I have to go BACK around ALL of the temp agencies and sell them my soul for pittance and bitchiness and also I have a few phone calls to make to people who would pay me to have medical tests!!
HAHA you think I'm kidding but hey.. it's easy money. I fear being overweight (medically NOT ATTENTION SEEKING) may rule me out as a "healthy candidate" though!
I'm now off to reply as quickly as I can to all of the comments you've left over my hibernation period. I will be back to normal soon.
NOTHING GETS MOO DOWN FOR LONG!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
lovelovelove
always
x x x
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