2006-06-21 - 10:57 a.m.

Well I had a disheartening yesterday – turns out people who I work with don’t like me – not only don’t they like me but I’m somewhat of the resident FREAK. They talk about me constantly behind my back and slag me off – Every company or school or group has a person who they constantly bitch about the person who you take fag breaks to get away from so you can regale your colleagues with all the things they’ve done to make you hate them that day.. I AM THAT PERSON HERE! You know what the worst part was? I had ABSOLUTELY no idea :-( *insert suitably gutted face here* Not only didn’t I know I actually have spent a good deal of my time here thinking how nice everyone was and how much I LIKED them. I suppose I should have known because I’ve heard them bitch about each other – and while that did set off warning bells I suppose I naively thought that because I’d made an EXTRA effort to be helpful and nice and to defend people when they weren’t there that they’d have no reason to be mean about me. It’s not that I think I’m above criticism I really don’t I KNOW that I’m far far far far SOOO VERY FAR away from being perfect I just thought maybe they liked me I suppose. I completely understand that people don’t like me because I know me best of all and I don’t like me much either but they only get the good parts – not that I’m dishonest or in any way untrue to myself but I curb as much of the worst parts as I can for their sake because I HATE making people unhappy – and worst of all when I make them unhappy just by being myself. I don’t believe in being anyone other than who you are (that DOESN’T mean I’m against growth I try to better myself constantly just not in a way that goes against my soul and who I am at heart) and even though theatre is my life I like to keep my characters for the stage – pretending is silly I’d rather be disliked for who I really am than have people like me for something I’m not. I could pretend this doesn’t bother me and that I can say their opinions of me don’t matter but if I’m honest yesterday when I found out about it all it took every ounce of strength not to just lock myself in the toilets and cry. I’d like right now to make a special shout out to Stephie because she received the full brunt of my woes yesterday as I hurtled them through cyberspace in her general direction and just knowing that she cared made me feel a HUNDRED times better. (she also advised me against shooting them by reminding me of the computerless jail sentence I’d receive for doing so – which was brilliant advice!!!)

I don’t like myself most of the time… if not all of it. Over time I have learned to like SOME PARTS of who I am but I’m still not overly enamoured with me as a whole it’s something I struggle with daily because as HALF of Gareth it is my duty to love myself – we’re so much a part of each other that if you don’t love both parts you don’t fully love either of us – and I so much want to love him in the BEST way I can. So I made the decision last night lying next to my gentle sleeping smoochicoochiehusbandypoos that I am NOT going to take this personally not because I think they’re evil and I am just going to ignore them but because I decided a long time ago that I would ALWAYS find the good in people no matter how hard or unrewarding it was. I did not do anything to hurt them but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t been hurt and sometimes things like that stick with people, even if they don’t realise it themselves, and it changes their behaviour towards certain people. I would rather they DIDN’T make my working life so uncomfortable and I have to say I’m not sure how good I’m going to be at being nice to people I know have spread completely unfair and untrue comments about me but I AM going to try. I am going to channel all of the anger (which is a destructive emotion) and turn it into love because love makes ME happy and I deserve happiness because I am half of Gareth and HE IS THE BEST!. I’m ashamed of how big a deal things like this seem in my head at the time – yesterday I wondered if I could even face walking past them knowing that they were judging me but then at the same time I was judging them for not liking me. They have choices as do I and while they chose to hate I won’t let it sway my choice to love because while it’s not always the easiest route to take it is by far the happiest!

Do you know how much I appreciate you all? I keep ALL of your comments and when I’m sad I read them and I remember that here in this lovely little corner of the internet that I am safe and I am loved SIMPLY for being me. Hehe that nearly made me cry with happiness just then

*SQUISHES FOR YOU ALL*

I’m making big moves on the Godblog idea I already have a few entries to throw on when I get the template all done and such and don’t worry you’ll be the first to be offered a glance but PLEASE think carefully about whether you really want to share in that part of me before you ask to see it because it is going to be full of my MOST private MOST personal thoughts and struggles and by showing ANYONE other than God that much of me I am leaving myself completely vulnerable. I am prepared to be vulnerable with you as long as you are prepared to be open minded and respectful of what will be a sacred space for me.

So yes… I spoke to my boss late yesterday (he isn’t based here unfortunately) about some of the things people had been saying about me (only because some of them were things that if he thought they were true could affect my position here) He was so kind about it and so gently told me not to worry because he KNOWS I work hard and that they are petty childish and undeserving of my time. I love my boss… though I don’t think ANYONE will ever be low enough to be undeserving of my time – I’m glad that I know he will stick up for me if it ever comes to that. Also the fact that my jobs not in danger makes it all a lot less scary.

ANYWAY – this is getting waaaay too long for what I intended to be a quick entry.

Be warned that I maybe releasing a lot of ANGER here over the next few weeks while I try to find ways and reasons to love my backstabbing work colleagues. I’m sure I’ll find something to love about them if nothing else I can love the fact that this situation has proved to me that I have one REAL friend at work (the lovely Kristina from Lithuania) she put herself on the line to tell me about this because she didn’t want it to suddenly jump up and shock me in the future. By telling me she risked not only the full force of my reaction but for all she knew I could have run straight to them and said who had told me thereby thrusting her deeply into the proverbial POO. I’ve always liked Kristina she really brightens my days and now I know that as wel as being amusing she cares about me and ONE act of kindness like that is worth a thousand bitchy comments and nasty gossips.

I started to write this entry yesterday TOTALLY gutted and full of self pity but after a nice sleep, a prayer and a long chat with my honeypoochiesmoochiehusbandypoos (as well as an email from Ali telling me to CRAP on their desks) I feel on top of the world!

SO HA!

Eat that nastypantsstupidstinkybitchypoofaceworkcolleagues!

*mature*

:-p

love you all

x x x

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