THE-MOO... because... you NEED it!!!

2006-07-15 - 12:05 a.m.

Excuse the fact that I am utterly colourless at the moment ï¿½ in all ways ï¿½ I just feel drained beyond belief and I look it too. Sometimes I just canï¿½t handle the ugliness and so I hide behind RIDICULOUSLY altered black and white pics. Considering the amount of pictures I post here and considering how many of them are of me youï¿½ wouldnï¿½t believe the internal struggle I have every time I post themï¿½ I know most diarists would say theyï¿½re not bothered what people think and if someone says something mean theyï¿½ll just retort with something even worseï¿½ but I do care.. I know at SOME point SOMBODY is going to take it upon themselves to leave me a comment telling me Iï¿½m ugly or fat or vain or horrible or that I should catch aids and die (Oh you think Iï¿½m kidding but Iï¿½ve seen it happen a LOT of times) the larger my readership gets the more chance I have that it will happen ï¿½ not that I donï¿½t want it to grow because as Iï¿½ve said before this space is a safe place and all are welcome here. Itï¿½s just so bittersweet ï¿½ evertime I notice my stats going up I am torn between thinking ï¿½OOOOH NEW FRIENDS NEW PEOPLE TO GET TO KNOW AND TO LOVEï¿½ and thinking ï¿½OH NO TAKE DOWN THE PICTURES TAKE THEM DOWN YOUï¿½RE UGLY AND THEY WILL HATE YOUï¿½

I would like to say I think thatï¿½s a stupid thing to think but so many of the bloggers Iï¿½ve loved have been hassled off the internet by such abuse.. and I think part of me has always thought that my boring diary was safe from itï¿½ and so far it has been but there are an average of almost 200 unique IPï¿½s every day and I have about 50 readers who I consider regulars ï¿½moolingsï¿½ I think of them as ;-) Iï¿½m not saying I think my diary is popular I think itï¿½s more to do with the fact that the wonderful few among you who love me are so wondeful and loved that people find me through you. I donï¿½t mind if people insult my wordsï¿½ thereï¿½s not a lot here to insult and plus Iï¿½m settled in my SELF I just never did manage to settle in my SKIN and I would agree with abuse about my looks too much to not be upset by it.

I know Iï¿½m not beautiful and the fact that I post pictures of myself a lot is not because I think Iï¿½m delicious and should be drooled about itï¿½s because I know I like people to post pictures of themselves because it feels more like theyï¿½re actually part of it.. does that sound silly? It makes it more like a real conversation when you can see the person youï¿½re talking about. My favourite diaries tend to be the ones where people spam loads of pictures I donï¿½t even really know why I just like pictures so I suppose really my style is an imitation of those that inspired me to do this in the first place and those who continue to inspire me (most of which are no longer writing or at least not at places I can find them ï¿½ because they were abused until they left)

I donï¿½t want you to use my comments to tell me Iï¿½m beautiful or anything or that I shouldnï¿½t think Iï¿½m ugly because Iï¿½m not ï¿½ I have lived with this reflection for a lot of years and the Moo you see has been positioned at flattering angles and edited and lit and cropped to near death. For every one picture here there are about 60 horrible ones that Iï¿½ve destroyed. I KNOW Iï¿½m not the most attractive girl that ever there was and I donï¿½t want to beï¿½ what I want is to be happy with how I DO look and Iï¿½m learning because of what I said a few entries ago about learning to love myself because I am part of Gareth and to love either one of us entirely you have to also love the otherï¿½ Iï¿½m bad at that but I am working on it. Itï¿½s not about getting thinner wearing better clothes or altering my face shape somehow itï¿½s not about plastic surgery (though of course I think about it) Itï¿½s about accepting WHO I AM in all ways. Itï¿½s about looking at my reflection in itï¿½s rawest form and knowing that I AM precious I was created to be EXACTLY who I am and I am loved despite and even for all of the parts I hate about my physicallity.

Iï¿½ve been doing a lot of self evaluation lately (mostly in prayers * biblebash * * biblebash * RUN NON CHRISTIANS RUN AWAY haha) and one of the most surprising realisations was about being a good wife. I always pray that God will make me a good wife and it hit me during one of these prayers that I actually wasnï¿½t trying to change any of my wifeliness not because I think Iï¿½m the bestest wife in the world but because if Iï¿½m being honest I think I did kind of rate myself as a wife. I though to myself yeah I ALWAYS do romantic things.. make him little gifts and send him cards, write endless internet novels on his beauty and fabulousness, I talk about him to anyone whoï¿½ll listen and I support him with the kindest most supportive words a wife could ever useï¿½. Except it occurred to me that a lot of thatï¿½ I do for ME! I talk about him because I LOVE HIM and I LOVE TALKING about him. I love making gifts, being supportive, giving him physical signs of love and writing long love filled letters and cards ï¿½ none of that makes me a good wife because none of that is to do with Gareth and what HE appreciates. I hope that makes sense Iï¿½ve not explained it wellï¿½ basically that style of loving is MY style that is how I want to be loved but Gareth (like a lot of men) is all about the practical and the helpful thingsï¿½ I mean donï¿½t get me wrong he can be romantic but when Gareth really wants to show me he loves me heï¿½ll do something I NEED ï¿½ like totally rehash the yard so we can sit out in it at night. So I thought about it and it slowly dawned on me that what would really show love and devotion to Gareth wouldnï¿½t be the flowery rubbish I use at the moment but things likeï¿½ tiding the house unpromted and NOT complaining. I HATE housework.. I do it.. but I donï¿½t smile at all while I do and I even do ever such lovely things like INSIST if I did it the last time that he takes the next turn. Which is why I know that CLEANING is the way I need to show love to Garethï¿½ not just cleaning bust TASKSï¿½ there are so many things we both HATE doing and gareth usually does them (which has always made me think he likes themï¿½ but the truth is he doesnï¿½t like cleaning he just wants his wife to live in a clean orderly house) Iï¿½m sure this all sounds completely WEIRD and makes no sense to you but it was a real bomb to me it shook up my ideas of what it is to LOVE your husband and the simple truth isï¿½ the other things Iï¿½ve done to show my love to gareth have been things I enjoy doing and therefore they have NOT been a sacrifice in any way at allï¿½. So I made the decision that I need to do all of the things I HATE doing all of the jobs neither of us like to do but that have to be done none the less. To me thatï¿½s not romantic and itï¿½s not lovely and Iï¿½d rather Gareth wrote me a nice poem that cleaned out the drain but for all my talk about us being ï¿½oneï¿½ weï¿½re different sides of the same coin and his sideï¿½ is all about practical love. So Iï¿½m learning to love my most beautiful husband in a practical way.

Haha I have to admit Iï¿½m failing at it pretty spectacularly at the moment because weï¿½re both just so busy and tired all of the time at the moment and Iï¿½m sitting here right now spouting crap when I could be doing the ironing. It will be a learning curve but I just wanted to share that with you anyway.. my realisation that Iï¿½ve been being a good wife to ME not to Gareth.

Have I told you lately by the way that I love him? Because I do.. I love him so much I sometimes think it will set me alight!!

For nowï¿½. I have a hundred scripts to write a workshop to prepare and a massive report to write for workï¿½ï¿½ then maybe I can have a nice sleep MMMMMM

I love you all ï¿½ youï¿½re such a massive part of the journey Iï¿½m making right now and your support lifts me up in ways Iï¿½ll never have words for.

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS FOR YOU ALL *

lovelovelove
x x x

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