2006-10-26 - 9:36 a.m.

HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

Or you know… update or something whatever!

Hi – see how I’m keeping on top of the updates – even though I have absolutely nothing at all to say or report or blah blah blah blah blahblahblah. ßthat’s about as interesting as it’s going to get folks /moolings/peoples/guys/fellas/ladies

BRAIN HAS DIED!

I have more wedding pictures for you from Becca and Craigs wedding so I have scattered them (or at least the ones of ME since I want becca and craig to see the ones of them first) liberally across the entry in a vain attempt to spice it up or make it interesting or blah blah blah blah blah ß yep we’re back to that again

It’s the blasted aircon it screws with my mind.. and by screws I mean it slushes it up into a big messy gooey mound in the back of my head that finds even the most simple task a mammoth ordeal. I worry sometimes that this job really is stripping me of any vague glimmer of intelligence I may have had – did I ever even have a glimmer of intelligence? I wonder sometimes I really do. I think I’m like Algernon in flowers for Algernon and it’s just fading and fading except I never WAS THAT intelligent anyway so people don’t notice.. but I do I notice it daily especially when almost every conversation I start drifts off into nothing but me staring blankly and drooling all over myself – well maybe not the drooling part but the rest is true.

* despairs *

It’s my birthday on Sunday – it doesn’t feel like it is but it is and I will be 24… not an important age but then again neither was 23 or 22 I’m lost in the early/mid twenties. When I was little being any age with TWENTY attached seemed so so so so old so grown up and I suppose in a lot of ways I have all of the responsibility I thought I’d have at this age… but I still don’t feel a lot older. I’m still hideously amused by toilet humour, I still sleep with a teddy on my side of the bed, I still would rather snack all day than have to go to the trouble of REAL meals, I still cry at cartoons, I still dance when I’m home alone, I still have trouble getting out of bed every morning, I still write the name of the boy I love in hearts on scraps of paper, I still get scared of the dark sometimes, I still can’t sleep with the door wide open in case monsters come and stare at me while I’m sleeping, I still feel like I’m playing dressy ups when I wear a suit, I still I still use the words “when I grow up” with reference to my career, I still can’t drive, I still hate to be in public on my own, I still feel less intelligent than everyone else, I still am not friendly with my reflection, I still feel weird calling people in authority by their first names, I still bite the skin around my fingers, I still eat with a baby-spoon, I still drink with a straw when possible, I still want everyone to be my friend and I still think the world is a beautiful place.

So what HAS changed then? What’s changed is that despite all of the things I STILL do or feel or fear – I think I HANDLE it better now… a lot of these things are things I’ll never grow out of they’re a part of who I am as much as who I was and who I will be in the future.

I’m not so ashamed to be me as I was when I was a teenager though I’m not as CONFIDENT being me as I was as a child I’m somewhere in between and I’m ok with that.

I have one of the MOST love-filled lives of anyone I know and I am SO VERY aware of how lucky that makes me. I have a life full of things and people that I could never hope to earn off my own back – I don’t deserve to be as happy as I am and so I’m so so so utterly overcome with gratitude at times for everyone who has ever contributed to my life.. positively OR negatively… everything that has ever happened HAD to happen for me to be where I am now and I honestly wouldn’t EVER wish to be anywhere else – THAT’S the difference. For years I spent my time wishing to be someone else and now I see how lucky I am that those wishes never came true!!

So on my birthday I shall be toasting to ME…

Mandy Williams (nee Price)

THE LUCKIEST 24 YEAR OLD IN ALL OF THE WORLD!!

xxx

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